As for epiphanies. This is often a blog about the troubles and tribulations of the men in my life. And I’d already decided to swear off of guys at the beginning of this year because I didn’t want to start a relationship and then have to move away. But that decision went to hell in a handbasket very swiftly, including a momentary lapse around tech week when I thought I was still in love with my ex. But then I realized it was just stress. And I feel like I finally got some closer over New Years. Which was nice. But combined with my perspective adjustment and the reality of graduation sneaking up on me, I’ve realized that I actually don’t want to date anyone right now. Because I have four more months to spend as much time as possible with these friends who have become more like family. And a boy would just distract from that. I would rather spend as much time as possible with KT and V-Ball Boy. And hang out with my theatre family. It helps that KT and I have realized there are really no prospects here. Nothing. And I don’t even have any eye-candy this semester. So sad. Not really. Anyway, that’s it. I’m just really happy/content with life right now. I can’t believe I’ve only been back for a week and a half.

Thanks for reading loves. Have a good week!

So, my life right now. KT and I went up to our house for New Years. We have never celebrated a New Years together that went according to plan. Our sophomore year we were going to have a party at my parents’ house (I know, thrilling, right), but pretty much everyone ended up canceling at the last minute. Except Mooch. So Mooch, KT, and I sat in my basement and rang in the new year by watching Disney movies. Last year we decided to spend New Years at our house and were going to go up with 1 and V-Ball Boy, but of course they canceled on us, so we spent New Years snowed in by ourselves (which was still lovely, mind you). This year we planned to go up alone. Well, we did invite V-Ball Boy, but he declined, saying he had to stay home and work on his senior sem. Good lord, I cannot wait until that child is done with his senior sem; he’s going to be insufferable until then. Anyway, digressions. So we were planning on spending it just the two of us. Then we found out 1 was in town, and he managed to coax us out to the bar. And after the bar we all went back to our place and drank wine like the classy people we are.

May I just say that I am extremely disenchanted with the weather we’ve been having in Minnesota this winter. Hardly any snow at all, no white Christmas, and 40* weather the past few days. It’s disgusting.

Two exciting things in my life: finally watched the movie that Ki and I worked so hard on the costumes for. (Never end your sentences with a preposition, children.) It turned out really, really well. I’m actually quite impressed. Of course, I may be slightly biased, but I’ve seen my share of college level short films and they’re usually not of the caliber this is. Of course, I’m also guessing the NYU turns out high-caliber pieces, but I’m impressed. It’s called The Carpenter and you should look for it in film festivals coming soon to you (or more specifically, at New Visions, New Voices).

The other exciting thing being that I am applying for real, grown-up type jobs. It’s rather intimidating, especially considering I’m a modest Minnesotan, who doesn’t think she’s qualified for anything. But I’m applying, applying, applying. For those curious, I’m looking into editing/publishing/English-y type jobs outside of the Midwest. Specifically I’ve been applying to jobs in Washington state, Colorado, and Boston. I really don’t want to apply for jobs in NY, but there’s a lot of publishing houses there, so it might come down to that, especially if I want to get out of the Midwest.

I don’t know if I’ve explained to you guys my drive to leave the Midwest. If I have, bear with me, or tune out, or something. Growing up, I had my whole life planned. I was going to be a vet and I was going to go to the U of M Twin Cities and live at home. Yeah, didn’t have much planned after that, but cut me some slack, I was 9 when I came up with the plan. Of course, right around when I started applying for colleges, my family took a road-trip out west. That was the first time I’d seen mountains or deserts or the ocean (which really does resemble Lake Superior). That was also the first time I’d ever left the Midwest, except for a brief excursion to Holland and Belgium with my parents when I was nine. I started seriously looking at schools on the west coast, but then I got cold feet. I’d never lived away from home before. Had never even spent a decent amount of time away from my family. So I ended up sticking around here. A decision I don’t regret in the slightest. But I’ve never lost that urge to live somewhere else, somewhere new. And I feel like if I don’t get out now, I’ll put down roots and then I’ll never leave. I think I’ll come back to Minnesota eventually, because I do love it here, but I need to get away, go somewhere else, where I don’t know a single solitary soul. I need to meet new people and have adventures and really grow up. Is it really that selfish to want a completely clean slate? Because I’ve learned so much and changed so much since coming to college, but, especially with a school as small as mine, I feel tied down by all my baggage. By the girl I used to be, the things I said, the things I did. I want a fresh start in a new place. I want mountains or oceans or trees. I want to go somewhere where I don’t see farms out every single window (not that I have anything against farms, they’re wonderful). But I just want to get away for awhile. This might be the corniest thing I’ve said on here in awhile (which is saying something, because I say a lot of corny things on this blog), but I feel like I need to go figure out who this new “me” really is. Test drive her. And then I can bring her home and introduce her to all the people I know. That is why, to date, I have not applied to a single job located in the Midwest.

Well, and I’m sure you all remember my posts about why I could never live south of Iowa. (hint, it has something to do with me turning into a cranky bitch when I get too hot).

So yes, I’m out there, applying for jobs. And I will let you know how the search goes!

Oh, and in case you’re sitting there thinking, “but Allyce, I thought you were going into costume design?” My university has ruined theatre for me, at least for now. Now that I’m done with my theatre major, I’m not going to do anything theatre for the rest of the year. And we’ll see how I feel after that. But the prognosis is not promising.

Alright, that’s all. Thanks for reading loves! Here’s to an adventure filled 2012!

• I designed and made 70 costumes for Anything Goes, the fall musical, for my senior theatre project
• I took the hardest class of my life, Critical Approaches to Literature, which made me feel stupid pretty much every day
• I got a stalker
• I learned about the Occupy Wall Street movement (which is awesome!!)
• I went up to Duluth to visit KG over fall break
• I went and visited Rissy at college and met her BF
• I dressed up as KT for Halloween, and she dressed up as me
• I decided that How I Met Your Mother is one of my favorite shows
• I watched all the episodes of Doctor Who (except the most recent season – hint, hint Netflix)
• I have a serious moral dilemma – I don’t know if I like Doctor Who or Harry Potter more
• We decided that KT’s sister is going to move in with us after Lace graduates and moves back to OK next week
• I got rid of my stalker
• KG came and stayed with us for a week to see Anything Goes
• I decided I was still in love with my ex
• We decorated our house completely over the top for Christmas
• I decided I was definitely not still in love with my ex
• I wrote the longest paper of my entire life – 147 pages on my theatre senior project [ok, I only "wrote" 29 pages; the rest was appendices]
• I defended my senior paper to my advisers
• Brit and I considered withdrawing from Crit Lit during finals week
• I wrote my 10 page Crit Lit final paper and didn’t understand most of it
• I completed my theatre major
• And I decided that I’m too attached to my computer, so I’m taking a break from my computer starting Saturday and running through Christmas. I am so excited to read, read, read. And have a Disney movie marathon with Scribbles and Rissy (who are both loving college, by the way).

So until next time, loves. Thanks for reading.

Snapshot of my life: We have to make 25 dresses for the show opening in five weeks. I have a sort of pseudo stalker who follows me around the bar whenever I go out. Katy Perry’s Friday Nights sound a lot like my Thursday nights. My Critical Approaches to Literature class actually makes me feel stupid and/or makes my brain hurt, depending on the day (but I still love it). I’m going to kick ass at dry brushing by the end of this semester. Dr. Who is the best thing since Harry Potter (which is the best thing ever). I’m making progress on the sweater I’m knitting (and I’m not going to fuck it up). I’ve decided, as I’m leaving in eight months, I have a stalker, my ex is being super friendly (not that I’m complaining, the cold shoulder thing was really, really getting old, especially as he dumped me), and there don’t seem to be any decent, socially normal, tall guys who are interested in me, that I’m really, really, really swearing off guys. Obviously the universe does not want me to date in college……Also, it’s strangely intent on me learning how to say no…….

Thanks for reading loves. Hope you’re enjoying autumn.

Just wanted to update because I finally looked this up: http://occupywallst.org/

Basically, people are pretty fed up with the state of the country and the corruption in Wall Street. So they’re peacefully protesting. It started out in New York, but it’s spreading all over the country. That’s pretty damn cool, I think. And it’s about damn time, too.

Thanks for reading loves, sorry it’s brief.

I have wonderful friends that I would be absolutely lost without. I have an incredible support system and my friends are really more like my family than “just friends.” I have a terrific family (meaning those crazy people I share some similar DNA with). Scribbles and Rissy are both off at college and seem to be enjoying it thus far. My parents are empty-nesters (which I think will be good for them, actually), they just have the dog and the cat (who I can tell you right now are probably going to end up really spoiled).

I have loved, if not every single moment, at least most moments of my college experience. One more year to go and think it’s going to be a good one. I have this fantastic house (that’s sort of a shit shack, but it’s home you know). I’m taking classes that I enjoy and that I will learn a lot in. I get to design the costumes for Anything Goes, which is thrilling.

It’s finally fall(ish, don’t want to jump the gun, though it is supposed to get down into the thirties tonight). I have cute boots to wear tomorrow. And I’ve decided that I’m going to be ok with whatever the universe decides to shoot at me for next year. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to keep this blog up after this year, or let this be my college blog and start a new one for my “grown-up adventures.” Oh yeah, and I’m kind of a grown-up now. It’s a little disconcerting, but I make my own money to live off of, pay my own bills, buy my own groceries (and toys and alcohol), make my own decisions about my life. So yeah, a little weird, but rather exciting too. Oh and KT and I have been going to the gym (seeing as how the membership is paid for in our tuition). It’s been good. I actually enjoy working out, surprising coming from the girl who was usually on crutches during gym class. And I love the endorphins, not gonna lie.

Hope you’re enjoying your September. Thanks for reading loves.

The morning of 9/11/01, I walked into my sixth grade classroom to find the t.v. already on. I remember you could feel the seriousness in the room. By the time I got to school, both towers had been hit. We watched them fall. I just remember the image of the towers burning playing over and over and over on the screen. In retrospect, it was probably a live stream of footage; to us sixth graders, it seemed to be the same image played repeatedly. I don’t remember what we did in class that day, if my teacher cried, if we had an assembly, if we tried to continue on as normal. I do remember we turned the t.v. off. Minnesota was a very long way from New York. I say “was” because, while the physical distance hasn’t changed, it seems much closer to 21-year-old me. Even though it was a weeknight, my parents insisted we go to church that evening. There was no service, that I remember; I think we just sat in the pew for a while. I do remember people kneeling and praying, which seemed odd to me then. My dad is Catholic, but my mom is Lutheran and we were raised Lutheran. I’d been to a couple Catholic services when we went to visit my grandparents in Iowa, and I associated Catholics with all the kneeling and praying business. Lutherans never did that. Until that night. When people were literally on their knees praying for loved ones and strangers alike.

We didn’t know anyone from New York or D.C., which probably further failed to impress the tragedy upon me. I just remember being eleven and wishing my life could go back to normal, that everyone would stop being so serious and so sad. And eventually it did…to an extent.

In the National Geographic documentary, there was a comment made about how most people have trouble remembering the world before 9/11. I have no concept of a world where the U.S. isn’t at war. 5 year olds, 8 year olds, their life is pretty much going to be the same (unless a family member is serving) whether or not the U.S. is off at war in some distant land. I guess what I’m trying to articulate is that by the time I developed a perspective of the world on a global, or even a national scale, we were already at war. By the time I started even glancing at the newspaper or catching snippets of the news, foreign wars were already splashed over everything. The words “terrorism” and “death toll” seem to have always been a part of my vocabulary.

For a moment in time, we were pulled together as a nation. Now look at us; our divisions are ripping us apart. We need to fix us. I’m not asking for massive political reforms (though maybe we do need some of those). Just do something kind today. Be kind to someone who’s different from you – physically, mentally, ideologically, religiously, politically. Because I would really prefer that my generation’s children grow up in a world where 13 year olds don’t routinely use the words terrorism and death toll in ever day conversation.

One thing I do remember very clearly about that day was that I knew that I would remember if for the rest of my life. While some of the specifics might have faded, I do remember. And I will never forget.

I think it’s me. I sit with my arms held like that, clasped just so. I am the only girl I know with arms that long and slender. I mean I think those are my hands. They just resonate with me, some sort of phantom attachment. And you’d think that I would be able to recognize my own hands, wouldn’t you? But I don’t know for sure. I derive some sort of strange pleasure out of the fact that it might be of me. That he cared enough about me to use my picture.

Why do we love the people who hurt us? He broke my heart, irreparably I thought. He’s lost weight and he actually has some clothes that fit him now. God, it is so unfair that he is so attractive. My heart still skips a beat when I see him. It would even if I despised him, I’m fairly sure. I know, let me first preface this by saying, I know that I can never ever be with him again. It would be stupid. But when I’m visiting my parents’ house in the cities and I think of my home here, he’s still one of the things that comes to mind; one of the nice things. And despite how much he hurt me, he’s still of the guys…well, one of the few people, really, that I feel completely safe with. Silly, isn’t it, but his presence, even his smell, is familiar and safe.

God, sorry, it’s been a very long and dramatic week. First week of senior year and all. And here was silly me hoping there wouldn’t be any drama. Actually, that was a downright stupid thought…

Anyway, it was almost exactly a year ago that we started our crazy, messed up, relationship thing and I miss…well I miss two things about him, completely separately. I miss him: hanging out with him and joking around, completely separate from our “romantic” relationship. And I miss how happy I was when we were dating. I know, I know, odds are high that I’ll be that happy again. And really, I don’t want to start something now; I have no idea where I’m going to be a year from now: living with my parents again, in an apartment in the cities, somewhere on the west coast, east coast, Canada, New Zealand, England? The pickins are purty darn slim around here, anyway. But, you know, it’s just been a year and I’m feeling nostalgic. Anyway, enough angsty ramblings from me. Go look at pictures of cute puppies or something. Here, everyone loves ducklings: http://www.dailycute.net/view/Misc+Animals/4521

So lately I’ve been feeling old. I know, I know. That’s exactly what my mother says, “21 is so young.’ Let me preface all of this by saying that “feeling old” is a relative term. It’s not like I’m walking around thinking, “well, I’ve got one foot in the grave; probably going to kick the bucket at any moment.” Yes mother, I do in fact realize that 21 is quite young. But that’s the thing. I feel like I’m 21. I usually feel 2-3 years younger than I actually am. (While realizing that I function at a maturity level somewhere around 10-20 years older than I actually am). But lately I’ve been feeling kind of like an adult.

IT’S WEIRD!!

And it’s mostly Facebook’s fault. Yes, sneaky, sneaky Facebook. I worked for this positive parenting organization this summer doing publicity. One of my tasks was to create a Facebook page for them. So on the one hand, I sign into Facebook at work and it’s all young moms and little kids. Then I come home from work and go on my own Facebook and it’s been completely taken over by WEDDINGS! What, did you all decide to go get married all of a sudden?! What is so special about the summer of 2011??? So there’s the weddings and the babies/small children. PLUS I’m starting to get maternal tinglings (yeah, nothing scares a guy away faster). Before, if I saw a baby, it was like, “aw cute, it’s a baby.” But now. Now. Now I see a baby and I’m like, “I want to cuddle you and play with you and take you home with me and have one of my own.”

[Whoa, hold on, don't worry Mom. In the portion of my brain that still works right, I realize I do not want a baby right now. But, you know, the maternal tinglings kind of do. BUT I'M NOT HAVING A BABY. Jeez. Stop freaking out.]

So alllllllllllllll of that and my baby sisters are going off to college. Actually we just dropped Scribbles off at college yesterday. God am I ever glad I’m not a freshman and I don’t have to live in a dorm. I mean all of that is great when you’re 18 and I loved my freshman year, but I’m past that and will be perfectly happy not doing that again. I love my house. So, so much. And my huge bed. Which is on the floor. Which means it’s not lofted. Which is excellent. But yes, so we dropped her off and then there have been some freshman around my campus doing some college prep program thing and I’ve realized that they’re my sisters age (which some how makes all of the guys automatically un-dateable). And they just look so young!! Yeah, yeah, I realize I’m probably offending half my reader base. Get over it. You can be judgy when you’re 21  older than me. And they’re so happy! Like, super happy and excited. God, that makes the rest of us sound cranky and depressing. I mean, I’m still happy and everything. I just can’t sustain that level of energy anymore. It was sucked into a few all-nighters and papers and that really awful semester my sophomore year (you guys remember that, it was pretty bad).

So I’m not quite ready to be done with college yet, but I think by the end of this year I will be. God, I am a senior after all.

(I really will write some decent posts soon, about ants and showers and automatic paper towel dispensers, but I have to eat and go do laundry and other grown-up type things.)

Thanks for reading, you beautiful human being you.

Oh, and in case I forgot, my new favorite things:

• Dr. Who
• the new Harry Potter movie (omgwtfbbq!!!SDFSFWFEVHWEFIHKLNSDV!!!!!)
• Pride and Prejudice (the book)
• bamboo knitting needles
• fish (of the edible nature)
• tumblr (thoughtsofthegirlwiththecurl.tumblr.com)
• turtles
• bumblebees
• sweater weather
• boots
• my new purple converse

You do realize that when you are clearly protecting only the interests to the top 1% of the population that to the rest of us (that’s ~99% of the population of the state of Minnesota) you look like a self-absorbed, conceited, selfish asshole, don’t you? Good, just making sure. Sorry, I didn’t realize that’s what you were going for. In that case, please continue trying to “protect” me from the government “invading” my life. And while you’re at it, could you do something about those nosy politicians who keep bulldozing their way into my bedroom, church, library, and doctor’s office? Thanks.

Sincerely,

Allyce